Madness

The websterian definition of insanity is: "Persistent mental disorder or derangement." I like this colloquialism better: "Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results."

That's pretty fitting for my daily life. I'm constantly in a viscious cycle of some sort, self imposed of course.

For example: I should be at work already. I said yesterday that I would not end up working weekends ever again. I said that last weekend too. And the weekend before that. What happens is, after I work my ass off on the weekend trying to catch up, I'm burned out on Monday. The laziness multiplies and then the next thing I know, I'm working weekends to make up my time.

Another viscious cycle I get into is relationships. I spend my bachelorhood/single life trying to get into the next relationship and then when I'm in a relationship, I use all my effort to continue to act like a bachelor and get back to being single.

My favorite is the: "I'll get up early" V.C. I work nights so I usually sleep late. I would like to get up earlier and actually accomplish something of substance but since I didn't wake up early, I have to stay up late just to do what I wanted to do. Which means I sleep late. And on and on.

I know all it takes is a change in routine. The hard part is making that change effectively. Usually I attempt it, and if I have a modicum of success, it is usually fleeting and futile. I end up back in the rut.

If I was better at math I could invent a time machine and go back in time to knock some sense into my 8 year old self.

The conversation would probably go as follows:

Me/26: "Hey, dude, you gotta learn your math. It will be useful in everything you do."

Me/8: "Fuck that. I hate math."

Me/26: "Dude. I'm you from the future. It took me so long to get back here because I suck at math."

Me/8: "How do I really know your from the future and you're really me?"

Me/26: "We look a like don't we? Besides, how else could I possibly know that you like chicks already?"

Me/8: "How did you know about that?"

Me/26: "Because I'm you dude. I even know which chick you like."

Me/8: "Oh yeah? Who?"

Me/26: "This week, it's Hannah Huckfelt."

Me/8: "Whoa. You really are me."

Me/26: (Slaps my younger self on the head) "No shit."

Me/8: "What the fuck was that for?"

Me/26: "I needed to knock some sense in you. Here's a list of shit to do over the next few years."

Me/8: "Don't stop playing baseball? Start lifting weights? Learn math and science? Don't get addicted to jacking off? And learn the guitar?"

Me/26: "Oh yeah, and don't start smoking cigarettes. I'm serious on this one. Here's a guitar, here's some chords, have at it. I'm going back to my own time now."

Me/8: "Alright! Thanks for the sage advice."

Me/26: "Right on dude. Later."

And after I'm gone the little bastard will crumple up the list and toss it over his shoulder and say to himself: "Fuck that old dude. What does he know? I think I'm gonna skip baseball practice today because it's hot and go look a the Sears catalog...."

And so goes another viscious cycle.