Story Of My Life

Just my luck, eh? Someone voted me a "10" and my rating jumped up 0.1. I'm at 42 votes so far, so about the half way mark. It's starting to look like my theory is getting shot to shit with holes. This pop up blocker keeps popping up and I'm tired so this will be a short post. I know, you're welcome.


[img]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfjVuLzG9_A[/img]

Deterrent Theory Testing II

Alright, now we're talking. I just checked the scores and I dropped from a 7.4 to a 6.4. As I predicted I would have a lot of "1" and "2" votes. Oddly enough though I still have "8" and "9" in there which will skew the rating. I will let the testing run until I reach 82 (same votes as the last picture) or four months, whichever comes first.

Not A Stalker

She just called and said the only reason she didn't call before is because my infamous Deterrent Theory is working!

Shot Down and Dropped Like a Fat Chick at Prom

Well, after my long winded and pathetic asseveration of my love for Alicia Silverstone, I am sad to admit that she has not replied yet. Not a phone call, an email or a comment telling me to go play in traffic.

I know you're out there reading this, Alicia. Why won't you respond to me? Please respond soon. Every passing minute gets worse.


--your knight in rusty armor

Madness II

I'm up to no good again. My scheming brain is constantly trying to come up with new ways to get me in trouble. The newest one is: I sort of have a crush on my former manager at work. If I just figured this out, she knows already, since women are much more attuned to this kind of thing.

I doubt I will make an effort to pursue her. I do need to be a little more low key and try to avoid her as much as possible. The problem is, she knows where my desk is. The worst part is, she's totally my type and she knows it. She's also hot and she knows that too.

All I know is, I gotta be freakin' careful at work for a lot of reasons now. Damn, where's my resume? I might as well just give up....

Deterrent Theory Testing

Ok now this is pretty freakin' wierd. I knew I would get ratings of 1 and 2 for this picture, especially since it's low image quality. But, I never expected this to happen:

(Photo Deleted)

I realize it's only the first day, and to be more accurate, I should post the three pictures together with the same sample raters and let the experiment go for a pre-determined number of days or votes. But for cryin' out loud! It looks like my theory is about to get shot to shit and be demoted to hypothesis.

Oh yeah, and I became a Moderator today. I know, what the fuck? right? Me, the guy who used to try to fuck the system every chance he got (and never really did) in a position of responsibility? I could lie and try to keep my old street cred by saying that I'm just doing subterfuge, but I'm not. I'm trying to build up my resume because I just might need the bullet.

And about that, I went to work yesterday and today and my swipe card still worked so I guess I pulled an Ace out of my sleeve for last week. Tommorrow is Wednesday and I've only got in 0.7 hours so far. So much for not working weekends.

Moving Day

Since I didn't want my giant beak to be the focal point when one might puruse this page, I thought I would submit this post.

Thursday is moving day, and I'm trying to take this cactus (actually cactii) with me.

If I can take it with me, I will name it Spike. I know, not so clever. After I can prove to myself that I can take care of a plant, (and how hard is it to kill cactii?) I will get me a baby Iguanna. The perfect pet for me, since they dig the heat, I'll leave my place around 100 degrees. Since most people call their iguannas "Iggy", I will call mine "Hard core".

Eventually, I'll weasle, er, work my way up to a relationship.

Deterrent Theory II

I forgot all about a very important source to use as research on my now infamous "deterrant theory". Hotornot.com.

I had this picture up there for awhile:

(photo deleted)

It garnered me 7.1 from all the votes, just slightly above average.












In January, I posted this picture:
(photo deleted)



I just checked it and it acquired the same rating of 7.1







I loaded the beard picture seen on profile and have a feeling that I will maybe get a rating somewhere around 2-4. Maybe. More later.

To Drink or Not to Drink

Over the past 6 years I have become convinced that I ought not drink. I always thought I was better when I was drunk, but that was the booze thinking. When inebriated, I had instant "liquid courage" to back me up. I was also Adonis in my own mind. I was a bad ass pool player, and I could play the guitar like a rock god.

In reality, none of this was true. If I'm drunk I'm not any good to anyone, including my selfish self.

As of late, I've been struggling with my sobriety, ergo, I'm dangerously close to a relapse.

I think I'm sub-consciously trying to get fired and drunk. At least I recognize it, however.

At least for today, I'm still sober.

Aries

I never reall put much stock in Astrology or Zodiac signs, but after reading a description about Aries which is what my sign is, it explains a lot about my personality.

Thinking more about it, my sister who is 2 years younger has a birthday a week after mine, making her a Taurus, and her personality seems to fit that sign. Almost an Aries but not quite.

Anyway, the read was pretty interesting. I must give credit where credit is due. And that's actually from two sources. The first source is a from an article written by Carolyn Joyce citing Debbi Kempton-Smith in her book Secrets From a Stargazer's Notebook.

Here's a few excerpts of what I thought was interesting and could relate to. Again, all these are taken directly from the aformentioned sources and are quoted. My comments appear in the approriate color red, which is my "power color", even though it's not my favorite color.

"Mars is the "red planet" who rules Aries, the first sign of the zodiac. Aries is the leader, the first sign around the tropical zodiac wheel. It is a cardinal, active, initiating sign; and its element is fire, bringing enthusiasm, chi, the spark of life. "Me first" is an Aries mantra.." (Carolyn Joyce) This makes perfect sense to me. I always want to be in charge and the first in line. It also explains why I'm fascinated by fire.

Followed up by:

" Mars likes war. Mars makes enthusiasm too, though it'll settle for trouble.
Mars is your energy, what you put your energy into, your drive and your
courage. Mars stands for lust and drive and passion. Mars burns for things. " ( Debbi Kempton-Smith) Strangely enough, when I was in combat, I enjoyed it. Few people did. If I had to hazard a guess, the others that did were probably Aries as well. I wish I'd known this information then, and I would have asked them to see if there was a connection. Again, a reference to burning. Another reason I think I would be a good fireman, I respect fire.

"Ares was loathed by all the other gods, including his own parents, Zeus and Hera. He was loved only by his sister, Eris (Discord), her son, Strife, and oddly enough by the beautiful Aphrodite (Venus). Ares fathered many children including Phobos (Panic), Deimos (Fear), and Tereus (Terror). I can relate to that. Always the black sheep, so to speak. Also note the names of his kin. Pure dysfunction there.


" Ares was the incarnation of blood lust. He is pure testosterone, known for war, violence, and unrestrained sexual passion. I've always had a short fuse, attributed to being bullied as a kid and having Irish heritage, initially. The mystery is unraveling.


" Ares, when hurt or wounded himself, turned into a cry-baby. For all of his cold-hearted love of killing, he could dish it out better than he could take it." This is where it got a bit strange. For my dark side, there is also my good side that try as may over the course of the past two decades I could not vanquish. This is probably my only saving grace that keeps me some what balanced and humane. I'm not a bad ass 100% of the time. To be honest, even though the desire is there, I think it is mostly an act. Something else to ask other Aries sometime.

Past the Point of No Return

Alright. So I finally got around to mowing my lawn today. Of course I did it in true bachelor fashion, combat boots and boxer shorts. I'll bet the neighbors and passing cars were pleased.

I had no choice really. Even if it's 120 degrees I never leave the house in shorts. I'm just not a shorts kind of guy. Actually, ever since I stopped skateboarding, I've worn boots and not shoes. Then again though I used to skateboard in boots too.

Why? Because whenever I would wear sandals or shoes, that would just happen to be the day I would get in a fight. After getting my toes stepped a couple of times, I decided it would be best to wear my steel toes not only for protection, but also as an additional defense when I would kick my adversary in the Adam's apple.

I haven't been in a fight since I sobered up. I've also been out of the Army for 14 months now, yet I still wear my combat boots.

Back to the boxer shorts. The only reason I mowed my lawn in boxer shorts is because I just didn't give a damn. Yeah, I guess I'm the creepy neighbor. One thing is for certain, I'm just as fucked up now as when I was drinking. The only difference is now I don't have an excuse. I can't plead temporary insanity because it seems perpetual.

Madness

The websterian definition of insanity is: "Persistent mental disorder or derangement." I like this colloquialism better: "Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results."

That's pretty fitting for my daily life. I'm constantly in a viscious cycle of some sort, self imposed of course.

For example: I should be at work already. I said yesterday that I would not end up working weekends ever again. I said that last weekend too. And the weekend before that. What happens is, after I work my ass off on the weekend trying to catch up, I'm burned out on Monday. The laziness multiplies and then the next thing I know, I'm working weekends to make up my time.

Another viscious cycle I get into is relationships. I spend my bachelorhood/single life trying to get into the next relationship and then when I'm in a relationship, I use all my effort to continue to act like a bachelor and get back to being single.

My favorite is the: "I'll get up early" V.C. I work nights so I usually sleep late. I would like to get up earlier and actually accomplish something of substance but since I didn't wake up early, I have to stay up late just to do what I wanted to do. Which means I sleep late. And on and on.

I know all it takes is a change in routine. The hard part is making that change effectively. Usually I attempt it, and if I have a modicum of success, it is usually fleeting and futile. I end up back in the rut.

If I was better at math I could invent a time machine and go back in time to knock some sense into my 8 year old self.

The conversation would probably go as follows:

Me/26: "Hey, dude, you gotta learn your math. It will be useful in everything you do."

Me/8: "Fuck that. I hate math."

Me/26: "Dude. I'm you from the future. It took me so long to get back here because I suck at math."

Me/8: "How do I really know your from the future and you're really me?"

Me/26: "We look a like don't we? Besides, how else could I possibly know that you like chicks already?"

Me/8: "How did you know about that?"

Me/26: "Because I'm you dude. I even know which chick you like."

Me/8: "Oh yeah? Who?"

Me/26: "This week, it's Hannah Huckfelt."

Me/8: "Whoa. You really are me."

Me/26: (Slaps my younger self on the head) "No shit."

Me/8: "What the fuck was that for?"

Me/26: "I needed to knock some sense in you. Here's a list of shit to do over the next few years."

Me/8: "Don't stop playing baseball? Start lifting weights? Learn math and science? Don't get addicted to jacking off? And learn the guitar?"

Me/26: "Oh yeah, and don't start smoking cigarettes. I'm serious on this one. Here's a guitar, here's some chords, have at it. I'm going back to my own time now."

Me/8: "Alright! Thanks for the sage advice."

Me/26: "Right on dude. Later."

And after I'm gone the little bastard will crumple up the list and toss it over his shoulder and say to himself: "Fuck that old dude. What does he know? I think I'm gonna skip baseball practice today because it's hot and go look a the Sears catalog...."

And so goes another viscious cycle.

Nightmares Part II

No matter how much I try to avoid it, I have to sleep eventually. And with sleep the nightmares creep in. Most of the time these aren't flashbacks to the war, but just whatever my sick mind can conjure up.

I'm actually kind of starting to like the nightmares. I used to be a horror movie junkie when I was a kid. As I aged, they got lame, and it seemed that nothing scared me anymore. Except my sub-conscious.

Since I quit drinking over 7 months ago, they have progressivley gotten more intense, vivid and worse. It seems that each night, my "Sub C" goes into over-drive trying to top itself from the night before.

I suppose if I were inclined enough to, I could attempt to tabulate what I dream, in an effort to write some pretty disturbing stories. The problem is, I'm not really sure if they are just "stories".

I think I have a little psycic ability, not nearly as much as in my pre-teens/pre-problem drinking days. I think a lot of drugs have dulled my senses over the past 15 years. Once in awhile though I do have pre-cognition. The thing is, I never realize it until after the event is taking place or shortly thereafter. Deja Vu? Perhaps.

Since I like to avoid certain truths, I think Someone or Something is making me face it, albiet via dreamscape. It's the only reason I think I'm not dead yet, because over the years I should be. I still have a vital purpose that I have not yet realized fully and have not accomplished.

Besides all the obvious warning sides in my external world, I've been getting warnings over the course of the past 11 years at least.

I think the Apocalypse isn't near, I think it's already here, we just don't realize it.

Chat Rooms, Cyber Sex and Back to the Future

Man. Isn't technology wonderful? We've come so far over the past 100 + years, think of all the marvels: the light bulb, telephone, cinema, audio in all its aberrations, airplanes, rockets, satelites, microwaves, bongs, and a million ways to blow the shit out of a foreign land with a push of a button and a turn of the key from a silo in North Dakota.....

The point is, and I mentioned this in a previous post: Where the fuck is all the technology? It's 2006 for cryin' out loud! We're in the new millenium. The...uh, decade after the 90's now! Where's all the cool shit they promised us in Back to the Future II? I want a bunch of assholes who can't drive worth a shit to be able to fly their cars too. I'm all for it, sitting in my back yard catching some sun and some 16 year old punk crashes in on my deck. No thanks, actually.

You know, I want virtual reality to rival reality. I was always trying to escape reality in my dreams or with booze and drugs, why not a pre-programmed "perfect" life with a "perfect" woman. When can I fuck my computer, damnit!?!

Instead I'm stuck in a pseudo-future which is now the present, getting in chat rooms with an endless army of bots to sort through before I find a real chick.

And even then you're not sure. In a world where you can lie on your resume, cheat on your taxes and even cheat death for a while, you can also be anyone you want to be.

What I mean by that is, when I'm pretending to be a muscle bound jock with a six pack for abs, "she" is either a very disgusting pig or a middle aged dude.

This shit would have never happened back in the 50's. One can only imagine what the 2050's will be like. All I know, is that if I live that long I'll be in my 70's and by then Social Security won't kick in until you're 102.

Fuck technology. I don't want to live to be 160. After I kick the kids out, who says I'm gonna wanna move back in with them when I'm an old man? Gemeny christmas, this madness has got to stop.

Created a Monster

Ok so now I've done it. I've created a monster. In an effort to remain single, as you may have read I was conducting my deterrent theory, a.k.a, growing a beard.

So recently I changed my picture on profile at this dating site to the one on the profile here.

I didn't get nearly as many responses as with short hair, which means so far my theory is beginning to be proved as fact and law.

However, I did recieve some responses so far and must say I'm interested. Which is my dilema.
How long can I stay single? I do have the full intention of, if meeting any women, it be just as friends with no expectations whatsoever, but when you throw out logic you get a nasty combination of lust and loneliness which equates to "love", so to speak, in non-algebraic form.

Here it is simplified in algebraic form:


2 -2 - 2 - 4
-(logic)^ = (lust)^ x (loneliness)^ = ("love")/(illogical thinking)^

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when you start playing with the numbers you end up in the red. Red flags or red ink, it's all a warning.

Back to the theory: I actually got a response that I should cut my hair back to shorter length because that looks good. No real mention of the beard so I can't really use this information as an attribute of an argument for or against the theory of deterrence.

Now the question isn't so much is my theory working or not, but do I want to continue with the experiment?

Which forms the hypotheses (that's plural, not a mispelling) of a potential new experiment which could be code named "Downfall" : should I attempt to befriend women yet? Can I without getting emotionally involved too easily and quickly? Is it worth the risk(s)? What are the risk(s)?

I think first I should develop a risk management analysis and then establish a chain of command worth of decsicions derived from a flow chart, in true beurecratic tradition.

I would do that because I'm geeky enough to do it. I won't do that because:

A) I'm too fuckin' lazy to calculate all the potential risk(s) and their consequenses
B) I don't want to program all the cause and effect into a schematic form with boxes and arrows.
C) I won't follow the advice anyway

Anyway, stay tuned, you know me, I'll probably have the analysis and the flow chart posted up here by 6AM. Contradictive. (Note to self, work on that.....)